The Illusion

Whenever I feel sad, I have to constantly remind myself that this world is temporary and it is nothing but an illusion.

At times, it was not easy.
At times, I am weak.
As a matter of fact, most of the times, I am weak.
I always needed help, from God, from my families, my friends.

Past month had been hard for me. I had to consciously make the effort to stay afloat.
I had to lift myself up despite every overwhelming thoughts and feelings.
I had to strive through.
I had to.
Because otherwise I would have drown.
And for that, I would have failed His test.

Amazingly, whenever I am feeling down, I would always be taken to surah Al-Hadid.
I would just flip the Quran randomly, and it always brought me to this particular surah.

"It is He who created the heavens and earth in six days and then established Himself above the Throne. He knows what penetrates into the earth and what emerges from it and what descends from the heaven and what ascends therein; and He is with you wherever you are. And Allah, of what you do, is Seeing.

His is the dominion of the heavens and earth. And to Allah are returned [all] matters."

"Know that the life of this world is but amusement and diversion and adornment and boasting to one another and competition in increase of wealth and children - like the example of a rain whose [resulting] plant growth pleases the tillers; then it dries and you see it turned yellow; then it becomes [scattered] debris. And in the Hereafter is severe punishment and forgiveness from Allah and approval. And what is the worldly life except the enjoyment of delusion."

"In order that you not despair over what has eluded you and not exult [in pride] over what He has given you. And Allah does not like everyone self-deluded and boastful -"

It was like a sudden electric shock right in my heart. But for that, it soothes me down. It calms my thoughts. Knowing that at the end of the day, I will return to Him. Everyone will return to him.

And then I realized, that is what I should strive for. That is my purpose. To leave this illusion world in my best suit.

Oh Lord, please take away everything that is disrupting me from being close to you.
Even though that means taking away some people who I hold dearly, or once held dearly.

Being the optimistic me, I always try to keep my best thoughts in people. Trying to understand them and let them be themselves.

But perhaps, the reason why God took them away from me is to protect us,
Perhaps we have different goals.
Perhaps.
Perhaps it would have ruined us if we were to be in each others lives,
Perhaps.
I could go on with all the perhaps yet still feel the pain.

It would be easy to lie and deny. To tell everyone that i am okay when i am not. I've been better, but I know, given time I will get better. It's good that time is passing by faster now yeah?

I know I once said that I never seek after marriage. And I still don't. But being the human me, of course it felt good to have someone to love and to be loved.

Sad truth is, people change. Feelings fade.
It sucks.
What even worse is that, there's nothing you can do about it :')
You cannot put an IV drip into someone to make them love you.

Your only option?

- Let go and let God.

That is all I can say, honey.
And that is what I am currently doing.

I don't fight. I don't fight for people who wants to leave. I let them go, easily. I don't question them. And I just swallow every unspoken words.
Burying every broken pieces.
Because I know, given time this too shall pass.

But I think this time around i'm gonna need a longer time.
Sigh.
I have let myself fallen into this illusion.
Cause i thought it was right.
Yet everything has fallen apart.
After all, we are all just a human. We make mistakes. We hurt people. I know I've hurt people in the past too. I forgive everyone who have hurt me because I need my inner peace. And I hope everyone whom I have hurt had forgiven me as well.

Ah it felt good to write.

Anyway, do not worry about me. I am in good hands. I have loving, caring families and friends around me. And for that, I am ultimately grateful for this rezqi.

But do send prayers for me to heal quickly will you? Thank you.

May glad tidings will always be with you.
- Syafi.