#5 I Never Cared
Updates : I just got back from my hometown! This time around dad brought us to the places where he spent his time the most and the significant places that hold special place in his heart ( I reckon he would teared up if he were to reminisce those times ) I loved listening to his stories, it is as if I were able to see him in his childhood in my mind, although perhaps it cant even get close to it.
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I always care about people, thinking about others before myself. If i were to make any decision, i would think of how this would affect my parents and family. But one thing I never really cared about, is my feelings. I never care about my feelings. All this while when it comes to this feelings of wanted to be loved or cared I would utter this chant in my mind
"I don't care
I don't care
I don't care
I don't care.. or more exactly I don't WANT TO care. It has been since forever. Whenever I liked someone and they liked me back, my default reaction would be "NO thanks. Goodbye"
I shut them off. Why? Because it is so much easier that way. It's undemanding. The furthest I could go hanyalah takat teman tapi mesra which is "aku-kau" friendship tapi cam having daily conversations and quite mesra but not declared haha. Bila the other party nak declare, I'd back off and never return haha.
I think it's kinda a waste of time (my personal view k), to deal with feelings and emotions bcs our life isnt just about finding spouse or getting married. Our life is far more than that, marriage is just cam "ok kalau jumpa yes if not you don't really need to pursue for that" sbb nanti you'll get distracted with your ultimate motive. That's my personal view all this while. So since I had this thought, expressing my feelings is something I never did.
Screw my feelings, it'd fade anyway, given some time.
And I have trust issue, people change, feelings fade, so what's left for me to hold onto? Nothing. I've got nothing as an assurance that the person would still feel the same after years of being together. I am highly cynical in relationship. So I think for now I'll pass. Tapi, looking at how some people would remain in marriage for like 30 years proved that it could still be done, surely it takes great effort. Well everyone's got the potential to be the best of them, its only a matter of choice.
Isn't it cruel, how feelings could really fade..? I mean today a person may really love/like you but the next day everything's changed. They no longer feel the same way. Ouch it hurts. It really does. I've felt the first one 3 years ago (it was horrible, i'd cry everyday or every time i listen to the song that he gave and watch the movie he told me to watch), and just recently. Though this time was much better because I don't think it's real bcs i didnt initiated the feelings. Its just an inertia from someone's feelings and my denial phase. I never thought someone would think of me so highly I mean I'm just me, so flawed and imperfect in so many ways but there are a pair of eyes that see me more than what I am and I am forever flattered, thank you. Undeniably it still hurts (bcs this was the first time i ever said that to anyone pffft none of my ttms managed to get that before), only that this time I have more control in my mind to let things go, more precisely, let people go and move forward. I'll take this as just another chapter in my life. The good thing is, I'm no longer afraid to tell how i feel. Bcs most people just couldnt tell how they feel they ended up losing people in their live sbb tak make it clear to people that they love and lepastu sibuk nak pasang lagu 'The One That Got Away' hahaha!
But yea, I still dont wanna care about all this things. I'm happy with wherever I am. I mean, I've survived my whole life I could totally keep this going pfft. If I meant to have significant other ahamdulillah jemput datang majlis bawak hadiah, tapi if my significant other is someone named 'Ajal' then tolong sedekahkan al-fatihah to me ek :'))
Ok adios mi amigos have a nice and blessed day ahead!
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I always care about people, thinking about others before myself. If i were to make any decision, i would think of how this would affect my parents and family. But one thing I never really cared about, is my feelings. I never care about my feelings. All this while when it comes to this feelings of wanted to be loved or cared I would utter this chant in my mind
"I don't care
I don't care
I don't care
I don't care.. or more exactly I don't WANT TO care. It has been since forever. Whenever I liked someone and they liked me back, my default reaction would be "NO thanks. Goodbye"
I shut them off. Why? Because it is so much easier that way. It's undemanding. The furthest I could go hanyalah takat teman tapi mesra which is "aku-kau" friendship tapi cam having daily conversations and quite mesra but not declared haha. Bila the other party nak declare, I'd back off and never return haha.
I think it's kinda a waste of time (my personal view k), to deal with feelings and emotions bcs our life isnt just about finding spouse or getting married. Our life is far more than that, marriage is just cam "ok kalau jumpa yes if not you don't really need to pursue for that" sbb nanti you'll get distracted with your ultimate motive. That's my personal view all this while. So since I had this thought, expressing my feelings is something I never did.
Screw my feelings, it'd fade anyway, given some time.
And I have trust issue, people change, feelings fade, so what's left for me to hold onto? Nothing. I've got nothing as an assurance that the person would still feel the same after years of being together. I am highly cynical in relationship. So I think for now I'll pass. Tapi, looking at how some people would remain in marriage for like 30 years proved that it could still be done, surely it takes great effort. Well everyone's got the potential to be the best of them, its only a matter of choice.
Isn't it cruel, how feelings could really fade..? I mean today a person may really love/like you but the next day everything's changed. They no longer feel the same way. Ouch it hurts. It really does. I've felt the first one 3 years ago (it was horrible, i'd cry everyday or every time i listen to the song that he gave and watch the movie he told me to watch), and just recently. Though this time was much better because I don't think it's real bcs i didnt initiated the feelings. Its just an inertia from someone's feelings and my denial phase. I never thought someone would think of me so highly I mean I'm just me, so flawed and imperfect in so many ways but there are a pair of eyes that see me more than what I am and I am forever flattered, thank you. Undeniably it still hurts (bcs this was the first time i ever said that to anyone pffft none of my ttms managed to get that before), only that this time I have more control in my mind to let things go, more precisely, let people go and move forward. I'll take this as just another chapter in my life. The good thing is, I'm no longer afraid to tell how i feel. Bcs most people just couldnt tell how they feel they ended up losing people in their live sbb tak make it clear to people that they love and lepastu sibuk nak pasang lagu 'The One That Got Away' hahaha!
But yea, I still dont wanna care about all this things. I'm happy with wherever I am. I mean, I've survived my whole life I could totally keep this going pfft. If I meant to have significant other ahamdulillah jemput datang majlis bawak hadiah, tapi if my significant other is someone named 'Ajal' then tolong sedekahkan al-fatihah to me ek :'))
Ok adios mi amigos have a nice and blessed day ahead!
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