#9 Vulnerable

I love to smile, a lot. I think that's a way I could spread the message of Islam. And smiling in hard times could make things become bearable, for some reason.

But at some point in my hard times, when I smile I'd cry -- thinking that how Allah still allow me to smile and forget my problems despite all the battles in my heart. And here is one of that many points in my life.

Sometimes I don't want to acknowledge myself being scared or overwhelmed because I don't wanna look vulnerable in the eyes of others. It makes me look weak. I want to be strong. I thought after I managed to overcome the challenges in my YSEALI project I could handle just everything that is coming because before today, I thought that was the most challenging and hardest things I would ever encounter in my life. Little did I know that I was wrong. Even though I manage to go through all of the hurdles with sweats and tears, more hard moments are coming in my way. I under estimated my future challenges. And now, here is another training for me. Fuh right after another. There'll be no stagnant phase in my life I suppose. Well diamonds are made under high pressure so I guess I'm upgrading myself to a new level aite?


But then again, I am a human, I am weak. I have loopholes in so many ways, so I say to myself

 "What's so wrong in admitting that? Is it going to devalue me?"

The answer is actually no. You may be good in one thing but you may not be good in another. But that is never going to under value you. Your values will still shine bright.

 You can't be flawless. So I just started to play true to myself, if I am afraid of doing something I would share them with my trustworthy companions, in the hope to gain motivations. There's no harm in admitting your weakness, because if you do it right, your weakness may be your strength.

Lets walk the talk then.

I am in a breakdown moment currently. Everything just overwhelms me. I have so much in my mind but there's no one I could share this with bcs I have no one who truly understands me and I dont wanna spend my time explaining myself to people. I want to talk to someone who I dont have to explain myself bcs they just knew all about me, unfortunately I have no one (here in INTI)

One thing that always work is of course that I'd call my parents and then my mom and dad would be taking turn to raise me up again then I'd cry so hard and I know I'd get better once again. It works like magic subhanallah.

But yeaaa occasionally right here I am being vulnerable with myself -- maybe bcs i have no roommate and my friends have all left me all alone here and I'm starting to where I've started before during my first semester. God it was hard reaching here *getting tissues*


And yea this is just week2 so I am not familiar with this new setting yet since I have them all throughout the year it feels void now. Thankfully I've got sushi in class so my weekdays are so much bearable. I'm having soo much worries and thoughts at the moment regarding my academic, mss, yseali project, externship, intership and lots more till i cried a little in the class just now lul

I hate to admit this to myself but truth is, I am not strong enough. I am weak. I always needed help. I know, I've got Allah to hold me back so I'm putting my full trust in Him to grant me strength, help me walk through this, send me His help, and just bless me.

*deeeeep sigh*


Ok now that I've written it down I felt one third of the stones on my shoulder being lifted out alhamdulillah. One third more to be removed by my parents ahaha. And ultimately, it is Him the only One that capable of lifting human worries, calamities and struggles so I depend on Him solely.

Here is the training of final year, training of detachment with people and training of having focus.

What I need to do now is, I have to take a step back from all of my thoughts, and focus one thing at a time. When I'm doing things for this subject, my mind should just be focusing on that particular subject and likewise for every other matter. Yea I should do that.

Ok so until then, pray for me and I shall pray that Allah ease your tasks and bless you always inshaaAllah ameen!

Jazaki jazaki jazakillahu khairan, walaki walana inshaaAllahuljannah.