#10 Why we lie to ourselves?

Sometimes there are truth that I don't want to admit. Why I make such decisions, how I really feel, what I ought to say and more. I always play true to myself; facing my weaknesses, accept who I am. But I always lie about how I really feel about love.

"Meh I don't care"

Truth?


I care, it had me taken aback, I think about that. I feel sad, I have you in my thought.

I think it's so much easier this way, I never want to confront my own feelings. I'm scared I guess?
So I just let everything pass, more precisely I let people go. I didn't hold them back.
Because I want to just focus on myself first, not allowing other people to be a part of my life. I just don't want to get distracted, that's all. I know occasionally it would get lonely and empty.

Sometimes when things are daunting, I didn't want to admit that I'm scared. When the task is hard, I never want to accept that I couldn't do it.

I'd push myself to saying "I can do this for definite"

Miraculously, I'd always able to get through it in pieces. Alhamdulillah.

But when I feel lonely,  I'd fake my smile and laugh. I'll never tell that to anyone. This however, in the long run, it consume the heart.

All of the lies we tell ourselves is actually a defense mechanism.We don't want to be hurt. We want to avoid pain at all cost that's why we deny the truth. Although that created pain by default. What an irony, trying to avoid getting hurt just to be in an even deeper pain instead. Sigh.

Nothing excites me anymore ( at least at inti), all I want is to just finish my final year as soon as i can. I wanna leave this place please. There're too much memories that I wish to forgo. Precisely, people I want to forget. But truth is, these people are the ones who made me who I am today. They teaches me lessons that I could not get elsewhere.

I demand a new chapter please. I need to create a new one myself. Hmm how eh? Ok once I've had one I'll write here okay teheee


Ok enough of my short whine. I've got class at 8 and tomorrow is gonna be a looooooong day. On a good side, I'm going home the day after tomorrow! OMG I miss home so much this post is also under the influence of homesick ahaha ok my dear friends, wherever you are I pray that you are always, always under the blessings of The Almighty. Till then, assalamualaikum.